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Writer's pictureKristopher Ulrich

Oshkosh to Get at Least One KFC

This is an April Fool’s joke.  None of the quotes are real. 

Have a good laugh and dream of a day when Oshkosh gets a KFC.


“This is really good”, says Bridget Duffy-Ulrich.  “Oshkosh has been dreaming about this - begging for this for years.  The people of oshkosh have been demanding a KFC.”  Well, with only one day more to wait, the time has come at last.  KFC (Kristopher for Council) may be opening tomorrow.  Not one, in fact, but two!  Both KFCs will serve the eager appetites of citizens demanding buckets of chicken, mounds of mashed potatoes, and lakes of gravy.  And by chicken, potatoes, and gravy, I am of course referring to nonpartisanship, reliable communication, and fresh ideas.  


“Popeyes has been very good to us”, declares Rep. Lori Palmeri.  “They’ve really invested in Oshkosh in recent years, and whether or not a KFC comes to town, I’ll keep getting my chicken at Popeyes.”  Councilman-hopeful DJ Nichols echoed that sentiment, as did most of the OASD school board.  “I’m more of a Chick-fil-A man myself,” replied Mayor Mugerauer.  “They’re just so consistent in their quality, and their simple meals appeal more to the general population.”  While finishing off an order of waffle potato fries, councilman-hopeful Jacob Floam agreed with Mayor Mugerauer’s statement, adding “I’m certainly a Chick-fil-A loyalist, but I know that more options for people means a better local economy.  I’d definitely get some chicken from a KFC.”  


“The nice thing about having a KFC back in Oshkosh is that they’re a really established brand.”  Councilman Mike Ford continues, “It’s a brand for anyone who has roots in Oshkosh.  You know that you can count on them.  I almost guarantee that your family is at most two degrees of separation away from some interaction with a KFC.”  Oshkosh is big enough for more than two major purveyors of chicken.  Recently, regional startup Mad Chicken entered the market.  They’re just getting a feel for what the city likes, but they have a lot to offer and reception seems good.  “That’s the thing about Oshkosh,” Councilman-hopeful Kristopher Ulrich added.  “Our home is big enough for any chicken restaurant to thrive.  We don’t need to limit ourselves to just what the two big chains have to offer.  People have wanted to open their wallets to a KFC for ages - just look at the comment section of any Oshksoh group on Facebook.”  Councilman-hopeful Kris Larson elaborated on that point at great length adding, “And there really shouldn’t be a barrier to entry for these entities to thrive here.  Anyone ought to be able to get the chicken they want or start their own chain.  I’ve even decided to establish my own poultry action committee to see to it that our options aren’t limited.”


One of the finest things about a KFC is that their food pairs well with pretty much anything.  Are you a pizza for dinner kind of family?  KFC is there to offer a side helping of wings.  Or are you and your crew the greens for supper kind?  Well, KFC is there to put the chicken in your caesar salad.  KFC is able to offer something reasonable for everyone without going to extremes.  So, if you’re hungry for the familiar tastes of home, go and cast your vote on April 2nd and make sure that Oshkosh, at last, gets the KFC it deserves.




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